onsdag 10 september 2014

Mother Earth

I haven't been able to write for some time. The reasons are many, but I'm immediately going to say that I haven't given up on my novel. On the contrary, it's the most important task I've been given (right after becoming a mother) so giving up is not even on the map. The story about Levithan will proceed, no matter if the steps are small.

To be completely honest I don't feel very well. There are so many things that I've gone through. Things I never managed to handle, things I wanted to repress, things I wanted to forget.. But I can't pretend anymore. To be able to be a good mother, as good mother as possible, I need to let go of everything that I'm carrying around. I want to give my daughter everything. And the most important thing; I want her to have a mother who is happy. I don't want her to have a mother marked by despair.

When I was 16 I did not want to live anymore. Every breath was painful and I did not feel like a human being, I felt just like an empty shell. A substitute of nothing. I decided to end my life in the hope of getting to a better place.

I found a good place. A place where it all would happen, quickly. Far out on a rock ledge in the woods with sharp rocks below. I leaned firmly and slowly, and I fell. My body twitched, and I thought I had died - for it beamed a supernatural heat through my body. But when I opened my eyes I realized that there were several feet left to the ground. When I turned my gaze up, I saw that my jacket got stuck in a branch. A robust branch, which was extremely similar to an arm with five long, perfect fingers that held a firm grip of the fabric.

And I cried.
I have never cried as much as I did then.
It felt as if Mother Nature herself had stretched out her hand to save me from the certain death I fell against. And it's the closest religious experience I have ever experienced - especially considering that I have always been a child of nature. Nature is my temple and my deity saved me.

Six months after that, I met Christoffer.
We have belonged to each other for eight years now.
We have a beautiful little daughter.

Now I know why she saved me.


onsdag 4 juni 2014


The high waves drifted Levithan further and further away from Merveilles and the distant voices shouting in despair after the two young men who had fallen overboard. The salt water darkened his view and he was in total darkness, but despite the fear of what monsters could possibly dwell in the depths of these waters, he never gave up the thought of finding Dominique. However, Levithans's physical forces was nothing compared to the forces of the ocean. The water found its way into his lungs more and more after each wave and the feeling that his time had come became increasingly evident. The thought of sinking cold and lifeless into the depths made him nauseous. Was this the end?
At the moment he realized he was alone and probably would die, the lightnings of the storm lit up the otherwise dark ocean. There, about ten feet away, he could discern Dominique's struggling silhouette against the powerful forces of nature. With all the powers Levithan had left, he braved the storm, stroke by stroke that barely drove him forward, but by sheer willpower he managed to finally reach him. He took a strong grip around Dominique's arm, and no power in the world could tear them apart.

Excerpt from chapter XVII in Golden Winds. (Beware of flaws - since the original manuscript is written in swedish.)

I filled up yet another note book with all my notes, scribbles and ideas and I've written about 3/4 of the actual book. I will definitely be able to finnish until my deadline in december. It will take a lot of courage to actually send it to a publisher, but I've always wanted to be a writer, more than anything. I've always been writing but this project is the very first I'm actually sharing with people. Mainly because I think it's time.

Here I am.


torsdag 8 maj 2014


I have never been religious, but nature has always been my temple. Nature never fails to bring me inspiration, motivation, anticipation.. It's like a friend to me. Even if it takes days, weeks or months before you meet again, it's always there.

One of the most precious memories I have (that includes only myself) is from a summer night back when I was at the age fifteen or sixteen. Nocturnal walks is something I really love since the absence of people makes me feel like the world is mine. I've never been the partying kind of person, and I never hanged around with people. When others were downtown, I applied myself deeper into the forest, just like this particular, light summernight about nine or ten years ago. The rain was drizzling, and the deciduous forest was dense with emerald green leaves. I found such a magical place, a clearing where bluebells grew all over the ground like a soft blanket. It looked just like a bed for woodnymphs or other mythological creatures, and I just couldn't resist the temptation of laying down. The raindrops adorned the bluebells like sparkling pearls and the sweet scent was intoxicating. I don't know for how long I was lying there, but I stayed in the forest until dawn.

I have many precious and important memories from that time. I love this time of the year, when everything has awakened. When the trees, flowers and bumblebees have awakened.
When my mind has awakened.


måndag 7 april 2014

He's in everything


"They soon found themselves within the walls of the city. Long ago, Voûtes de Pluie had been surrounded by its white stone walls, but the rough hand of time had taken its toll on the once very resolute architecture. This city rested in a perfect harmony of old and new, and despite all the cracks in the facade, there was a mysterious beauty of Voûtes de Pluie. The city's lost memories swept quietly past Levithan, like ghostly shadows, and its echoes layed down still between the old houses and mixed with the voices and movements of the now living inhabitants.
The salty sea breeze caressed Levithan lightly across his cheek as he walked side by side with his peers. Lucien spoke about the city's history and monuments as they passed them by. Lucien had his roots in Voûtes de Pluie and there was a special sheen of cosiness in his furrowed face, he hadn't been at home for a long time. Levithan only listened with one ear as his gaze wandered up to the city's many exquisitely beautiful statues with their flawless faces and the typical, white stone buildings with the decorative stucco decorations that adorned its facades. He couldn't help but draw parables. Parables between Dominique and his hometown. Dominique was the city and the city was Dominique and Levithan could see him in everything. The cryptic glances of the pale stone faces, the mystique of the low whispers the wind brought, the beauty of the imaginative shapes in the vegetation -perfectly crafted by nature- but he especially saw him in the fragility. Because just like the city, Dominique was as frail as crisp autumn leaves, despite the resolute wall of defense he had built."

(Excerpt from Golden Winds, chapter XV)


lördag 1 mars 2014

To feel lost

"He let go of her and looked down at the compass in his hand. With an easy grip, he grabbed the chain and hung it around his neck. Somehow it was as if she knew – as if she knew the war he fought in silence - even though her knowing of it was impossible. What his heart longed for was a dream too difficult to achieve, especially for someone like Dominique himself.
Evangeline had risen up from the bed to show some new accessories she bought, including a richly decorated hairpin with a fleur-de-lis which she set up her bright golden curls with.
Beautiful Evangeline... He did not deserve a friend like her. She was always so kind-hearted and pure while he was an embittered remnant, a substitute of what has perhaps never been a man. No malice hid in her angelic smile, no jealousy that poisoned her mind, no bitter aftertaste in her sugary words.
No misery.
No despair.
No envy that sat dark traces in her forest green, gorgeous eyes.
It was just Dominique himself who was so depraved that the weak spark that should be in the chest of a young man in the prime of his life slowly faded away to maybe, one day, disappear altogether."

Excerpt from chapter 14 in my novel Golden Winds. Right now I'm halfway in writing the manuscript. I think I will be able to keep the promise I made to myself - to be completely done in august. It's quite hard finding time to write when I have a little daughter to take care of, since I'm writing this novel on my maternity leave I can only write whenever she's asleep. But I'll manage. I will manage.


söndag 9 februari 2014

Character descriptions part II - Dominique Bonhomme

Many of my proof readers have asked me to give a more detailed description of Dominique Bonhomme, captain of the ship of the line, Merveilles. His character is very complex and he is one of the main characters. I don't want to spoil too much for those who have no idea what his part in the story is, but he's very important as he's one of my absolute favourites.

Dominique Bonhomme (Heath Ledger)

Dominique Bonhomme is the son of the famous former captain, Phillipe Bonhomme. Phillipe was known over the world for his charisma, many women and power over the seas. Dominique took part in the crew at the age of 14 and was promoted captain at the age of 21 - two weeks after his fathers sudden death. Just like Levithan Drake, Dominique lost his beloved father way too early. After Phillipes death, Dominique rebuilt the ship and decided only to tend to trading since his heart couldn't take more bloodshed. With a crew of 542 souls, Merveilles is the biggest ship, and young Bonhomme the most storied captain in the world.

Just like his father, Dominique has women in every harbour he visits. Although unlike his father, Dominique doesn't seem to genuinely enjoy it as much as his father did. The crew needs someone to look up to, therefore Dominique, subconsiously, entered the role of the charming captain. And once again, unlike his father, he never speaks of his erotic conquests - simply because he doesn't consider them conquests at all. Dominique is puzzled about his indifferent attitude to it, and doesn't understand why until he meets Levithan Drake - the newest, and youngest, member of the Iron Roses - the very same community of treasure hunters Dominique's father was a member of. The first meeting of Dominique and Levithan shakes him to the core, and he keeps taking bigger and bigger distance from the expectations set for him.

Evangeline Babineaux and Dominique Bonhomme
(Natalie Dormer and Heath Ledger)

Young captain Bonhomme is a very gentle, humble and loving person. He donates a big part of his income to charity such as orphanages and shelters for the homeless - but even so, he's got a solid financial ground to stand on. His looks are always very refined and he's got a stately posture, however he appreciates being able to loosen up whenever he can.
His best friend is called Evangeline Babineaux and is the daughter of the finest confectioners in the brittish harbour town, Sheerborough. Evangeline embark Merveilles since her parents want her to find new, curious spices for their pastries, but the only thing she can ever think about while on board the great ship, is to get Levithan's attention. This is something that really upset Dominique, but he can't understand why jealousy grows bigger in his chest. Evangeline is his best friend and they never had anything more, but everytime she approaches Levithan, Dominique's heart cries.
Once Dominique takes farewell of Levithan and the other Iron Roses, he falls into a personal crisis. He refuse being with women, starts keeping even more to himself and gets even more reticent than before. He figures out the reason for his tantrums and despair, but feel hopelessness when he realize he can't do anything about it. It's too late.


torsdag 9 januari 2014

Mother of pearls and her younglings

"Down there, in the dark water, he saw her - the otherworldly nymph whose complexion, like dew drenched pearls, reflected the new moon light in the darkness of night. She looked just like in Levithan's horrifying, yet beautiful nightmares that haunted him when they sailed across these waters. Her face was as fair and resplendent as Aphrodite's, as if she were a statue brought to life and now found refuge in the sea. A wave of horror washed over Levithan when he met her eyes, the same eyes of amethysts that looked up at him, she had the same luscious lips and snow-white hair, but what Levithan felt was not enticement. It was fear."

- This is an excerpt from the chapter I'm currently writing. The myths and legends of mermaids have always allured me, so there was no doubt about adding them to my own story. Mythology always was my favourite subject and that's why my project is full of hidden elements of it.

There are many different ways to depict mermaids.
In some stories they are beautiful and innocent, in others they are foul creatures with no sense of compassion. But I guess the one feature they all have in common is the allurement - the bewitching attraction of the unknown that makes them so fearsome, yet loveable.
They're not much different out of my point of view or how I think of them. In my story they are beautiful, captivating and very dangerous, but they aren't evil. They are not malicious. They just don't understand that these fascinating creatures from above the surface can not survive underwater. Humans fascinate them just as much as we are fascinated by them. Therefore it's not just to speak of them as malevolent creatures. Curiousity is not a sin, even if it can be baneful for the naive.

Hans Christian Andersen had a very beautiful interpretation of mermaids. I want to quote what I think is the most beautiful part in his fairy tale, "The little Mermaid";

“If human beings are not drowned, asked the little mermaid, can they live forever? Do they never die as we do here in the sea? Yes, replied the old lady, they must also die, and their term of life is even shorter than ours. We sometimes live to three hundred years, but when we cease to exist here we only become the foam on the surface of the water, and we have not even a grave down here of those we love. We have not immortal souls, we shall never live again; but, like the green sea-weed, when once it has been cut off, we can never flourish more. Human beings, on the contrary, have a soul which lives forever, lives after the body has been turned to dust. It rises up through the clear, pure air beyond the glittering stars. As we rise out of the water, and behold all the land of the earth, so do they rise to unknown and glorious regions which we shall never see."

"The little Mermaid" was actually written as a love letter to a man, Edvard Collin. In this letter Andersen compared his love for Collin to the love between a mermaid and a human - something impossible that can not proceed.
This says a lot about the relation between mermaids and humans. The impossibilites. Maybe that's why we feel so allured to each other - the forbidden fruit, the utopian overall, has always been very tempting to pursue.


onsdag 8 januari 2014

To live

It's rather strange.. The magic of music, how absolutely nurturing it is to ones senses.. To me it's one of the greatest artforms and I really don't know what I would do if I weren't able to listen to it anymore.. I don't think I would ever recover from the depression it would cause.
The main reason for it is that music has such a great influence on me and it fuels my mind to somehow travel through my own imagination. I'm not saying I would lose my imagination if I would lose the ability to hear, I would still be able to imagine, although instead of travelling through my inner worlds on the back of a dragon, maybe I would have to get there on foot.
..But it's not the destination, but the journey itself that is the point, right? Quite a cliché, but sure a true one.

I bought a better USB flash drive to back up my work. Somehow it feels like my very soul is sealed within this black little device and maybe that's why I locked it up and hid it away. People may steal my money, people may steal my consumer electronics or other unimportant things without value, but if they stole a piece of my very soul I would feel so abused..
(Although I really haven't got a bigger quantity of either money nor consumer electronics so I guess burglars would feel rather disappointed if they did a break-in in my home.)

I've realized this is what I really want to do with my life.. To write.
I have always felt the panic rush through my very being whenever I've been thinking about what kind of work I would do for a living. I've tried out many things. Florist, kindergarten teacher, barista, shop assistant in various stores and chambermaid.. Nothing speaks to me as much as writing and nothing scares the bones out of me like the thought of living a life I don't want to live. My heart has always been with art and literature. The very reason I have survived at all through my rather tough life is because of imagination.

I refuse a life of regrets.